I can’t count the number of times I’ve been in a conversation, and I’ve had to utter those unflattering words. “Let’s start again.” I seem to have an annoying habit of saying things without thinking. Sometimes, it makes for a remarkably funny and sarcastic comment. For Example…Erin and I invited some friends over to watch a Justin Timberlake concert this evening. While we were making dinner plans, I said, “Oh, and for desert we’ll have a Justin Timber-cake.” Hilarious.
The unfortunate thing is too often my plans go awry and I end up saying something mean and biting that I really didn’t mean. As I dig a deeper hole trying to explain statement A, I’ll end saying something in statement B that compounds the problem. And so, “Let’s start again” is me trying to reboot a conversation.
But it’s hard to begin again. I never understand why lawyers in movies make a big deal about striking something from the record. Everyone on the jury just heard it…you can’t forget something instantly. Let’s face it, there aren’t really too many times that you can just start over.
Unless I’m talking about Emma. It is amazing to me how quickly she can forget some catastrophic event. Erin and I will be so frustrated, and she will practically be begging for a spanking, and life seems like it is all about to spiral out of control. But then, a moment later, she will walk over and give me a giant hug. Or start acting like a bear. Or crawl on top of me and jump on my stomach. Or just walk over and say, “I really love you.” She doesn’t want anything (most of the time). She’s not trying to set me up, or trying to earn forgiveness for not picking up her puzzle. Emma just understands how to start over better than I ever will.
And she is the reminder of what I want my life with Jesus to look like. There have got to be so many times that I am completely out of control, and frustrating Jesus to no end. And these moments bring with them guilt and remorse and anger that I can’t ever get things worked out. And I don’t know how to start over. I can’t bring myself to just say, “I really love you.” For no gain. Just to start over.